If I Were a James Bond Villain
by J.K. Shawhan

I would have better clothes, a
Chanel suit & Italian loafers.

My hands & lips would be scarred
by some terrible explosion, a
furious childhood trauma.
My parents divorced.
My girlfriend dumped me
for some author or artist or
other nonsense like that. Why

would she leave me? Naturally,
I don’t understand. I’m rich. Desire
for her love turns into desire to kill.
The world. An agent. All the agents.

I would be given the chance to destroy
007. He stumbles, he falls, he
does go to work drunk, & I
could end him with one bullet—

but, if I were a James Bond villain,
I would suddenly gain a taste for tea.
My goons would knock him unconscious.
Without stabbing him dead, they tie
his back to the chair. Set the tea party up.

Wait for Bond to wake. Gift him with
the evil spiel. I hate you, you will die,
I will terminate your family, la la la. . . .

After tea, leave him in the dark.
Alone with his empty cup and finger sandwiches.

If I were a James Bond villain.

PHOTOS: (left) The author; (right) Oddjob, henchman in Goldfinger (1959).

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: While I was enrolled in poetry workshops at Bradley, I worked on a chapbook of poems related to artwork, plays, movies, and books. I love reading the original James Bond novels, and after a long time of contemplation, I penned a poem putting me in these novels as a classic James Bond villain.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: J.K. Shawhan studied business and writing at Illinois Central College and Bradley University. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in Bradley University’s Broadside: Writers and Artists, the University of California, Riverside’s Mosaic Art & Literary Journal, Eunoia Review,  Wordgathering, and Silver Birch Press’s My Sweet Words Series. J.K. is an editor and founder of The Basil O’ Flaherty, a literary arts website. The first issue will come out in March 2016. You can read her comedy blog funnyzombieblog.blogspot.com or follow her on Twitter  @JKShawhan or @bo_flaherty.