The Fallback Plan by Jay Passer (HOW TO Series)

The Fallback Plan
by Jay Passer

my niece moved to Santa Cruz
to attend the University there.

for her birthday I gave her a nice
chef’s knife, cutting board, and
a clean bar towel.

she was delighted, but perplexed
by the bar towel.

what’s this for?

2 functions, I said. wet it a little
as an anchor for the cutting board,
so it doesn’t slip around while
you’re using the knife.

she pursed her lips and nodded.
and the other?

to practice flipping pizza pie,
of course.
just pretend the towel is the dough.

I showed her how.
she was tickled, but flummoxed.

why would I ever need to know
how to do that?

her major is astrophysics.

you never know, I said,
keeping that Cheshire smile to myself.

Photo by Benjamas Suwanmanee, used by permission.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: I was a pizza cook for several years, and in the beginning cheated a bit by using a damp bar towel to simulate a pizza dough in order to practice twirling. If the dough is proofed properly, it’s not absolutely necessary to twirl (although the centrifugal force does quicken the expansion process), but if you’re working in an exhibition kitchen it’s definitely worth it because the kids love it.

PHOTO: Still from youtube video Pizza Toss 101 with Carl Penrow. Watch the video here.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Jay Passer’s poetry and prose have appeared online and in print, in anthologies, chapbooks, and a few full length volumes, since 1988. He lives and works in San Francisco, the city of his birth.

The Christmas Present, story by Kristina England (LOST AND FOUND Poetry and Prose Series)

The Christmas Present
by Kristina England

I was certain I had placed the gift card in my designated Christmas drawer. As I lived alone, I could designate a drawer in plain sight at the bottom of my bedroom dresser.

I pulled out the drawer to take a deeper look. I peered into the darkness, reached my hand back there and felt around. No card, not even a piece of lint or haphazard penny.

I stuck the drawer back into its home, losing a handle in the process. This was expected. It had been a cheap dresser. The screws never stayed in place as if they were constantly trying to escape a less than adequate home. I gently lined up the metal hinge, then tightened the screws for the millionth time.

I was one present short and it was Christmas Day. My sister wouldn’t miss it and I convinced myself I would find it a week later.

A year passed and as I stuck presents in the drawer in preparation for another holiday, my cat came around the corner and dropped something from her mouth. She darted out of the room and left me staring at the gift card perplexed.

“But how? Where?”

I had forgotten about the cat, the same cat who had stolen a roll of toilet paper and made confetti out of it under my bed.

A week later, I counted all my gift cards. The lost one was there, but another of my sister’s cards, bought two days before, was gone. The cat sat behind me, eyes staring straight ahead, unreadable.

I muttered and began searching the house as she followed me around. I could almost feel her eyes saying, “You’re getting cold,” yet her face seemed to grow warmer with each minute in that shared, indisputable language of laughter.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: I immediately thought of this story when I read the Lost and Found theme. My cat can be best described as a class clown and I never know what she’ll do next. She makes for good entertainment and I always think works herself into my creative process knowingly as she loves attention. Of course, she always learns new tricks, but never shakes the old ones. Maybe one day I can keep the bathroom doors open without her stealing a roll of toilet paper. There’s always hope.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Kristina England was born and resides in Worcester, Massachusetts. She is an artist and writer. Her work has appeared in several magazines, including Foliate Oak, New Verse News, Silver Birch Press, and Tipton Poetry Journal. For the latest on her writing and artwork, follow her on facebook at facebook.com/kristinadengland.

‘Twas the Day After Christmas, poem by Buyer S. Remorse

‘TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS
by Buyer S. Remorse

’Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting — even the mouse.
 
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
 
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
 
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
 
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
 
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
 
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
 
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said “U.S. POSTMAN.”
 
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
 
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
 
“Now Macy, now Best Buy, now Penny’s and Sears
Here’s Wal-Mart and Target and Nordstrom—all here!!
 
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!”
 
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
 
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
 
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT … YOU’LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!”

PHOTO: Bob McLean by Chad Coleman (Bellevue, Washington, Reporter)

How the Grinch Stole Christmas, story by Dr. Seuss

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS (Excerpt) by Dr. Seuss

Random House published How the Grinch Stole Christmas on November 24, 1957 — so it’s 56 years since this charming classic first appeared. Grinch is so fresh and edgy that it’s hard to believe the book has been with us for over half a century. For a holiday treat, watch the ending from the 1966 Chuck Jones TV version — narrated by Boris Karlov — on YouTube.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS (Excerpt)

by Dr. Seuss

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

###

Random House published How the Grinch Stole Christmas on November 24, 1957 — so it’s exactly 55 years since this charming classic first appeared. Grinch is so fresh and edgy that it’s hard to believe the book has been with us for over half a century. For a holiday treat, watch the ending from the 1966 Chuck Jones TV version — narrated by Boris Karlov — on YouTube.