Archives for posts with tag: Santa Claus

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An Upstate New York Christmas Poem on Trial
by Jimmy Vielkind (Capital New York)

(Reporting from Troy, New York, 12/24/13)

The attorneys were some of this city’s finest, wearing red hosiery to reflect the spirit of the season. They met in the ceremonial court room here, a capacious square that was once a church, where many of the most colorful cases in the history of this reviving Victorian industrial capital were argued. Two of the witnesses were raised from the dead.

The topic was a fundamental yuletide question: who really wrote “A Visit from Saint Nicholas,” the famous poem that first appeared in the Troy Sentinel in 1823 and begins with the famous line, “’Twas the night before Christmas.”

It was anonymous, but conventional history dictates that Clement Clark Moore, a theology professor, was its author. The poem appears in a volume he published in 1844, and his name is even inscribed on a plaque a few blocks from the court house on River Street, where the Sentinel once had its offices.

That convention has long been disputed by descendents of Henry Livingston Jr., a farmer from Dutchess County who died in 1828—before Moore published the poem under his own name. Hoping to leverage a long-simmering historical debate into a popular spectacle, local publicity artist Duncan Crary concocted the idea of the trial, which drew a standing-room-only crowd of hundreds.

“Put what you’ve learned aside. Right this historical wrong,” said Molly Casey, an attorney for the Livingstons. “You have the opportunity to stop this Grinch from stealing Christmas year after year.”

Molly Casey appeared alongside her father, Jack, a novelist, onetime newspaperman and former parliamentarian for the Republicans who control the State Senate.

The family patriarch, longtime judge John T. Casey, sat nearby in a wheelchair, watching proceedings in a room that now bears his name. Defending Moore was E. Stewart Jones Jr., who has made his name defending the well-heeled but usually-not-angelic in their brushes with the law. His clients include Joe Bruno, the former Senate leader and Troy political patron who was nudged into retirement by a federal prosecution. His grandfather successfully defended storied bootlegger Jack “Legs” Diamond. (Unidentified gunmen, believed to be Albany Police officers, killed Diamond less than 48 hours later.)

“This presentation by the Livingston Family is an exercise in one of the seven deadly sins: greed,” Jones declared, straight-faced, to jurors selected at random.

There is some evidence to back Livingston’s claim. His jolly demeanor is much more in line with the poem’s joyous description of the Christmas celebration, while Moore was more dour and religious. Further, the original text of the poem contained Dutch words for two of Santa’s reindeer—Dunder and Blixem—as opposed to the accepted German words, Donner and Blitzen. They mean “thunder” and “lightning.”

“Moore spoke German. But he didn’t speak Dutch,” said Molly Casey. “The original was written in Dutch. Why would Moore later change it to German—unless he was trying to cover for the fact that this poem was written by another man?”

Like any good lawyer, Jones put the burden of proof on his enemies, and noted there is no physical evidence of a written copy of the poem under Livingston’s hand. Only after Moore published it did Livingston descendants come forward, he argued.

As much as it was a creative way to enliven history, the event was a forum for some of the best characters in greater Albany to enjoy themselves. There is often an element of theater or absurdity in the arenas of law and politics, but it’s usually tucked beneath the a veneer of serious purpose.

The Dec. 18 event was pure spectacle: Jones wore red socks, which he displayed for the crowd after Molly performed a gratuitously sincere witness examination. A Santa Claus with a tenor saxophone played while the jury deliberated. Men in the audience held signs begging “No Clemency for Clement C.” and “Moore is a Bore.” A fog machine and bells welcomed Livingston and Moore from the beyond. (“Slacks?” Moore condescended to the female court aide sitting beside the judge.)

All sides scored laughs with jokes about Troy and its unique take on criminal justice (the juries here are particularly forgiving) and politics.

“Your honor!” Jones objected, as Jack Casey called Livingston to the stand. “Many a witness has left the witness stand in this court room wishing they were dead. But I’ve never heard, even in this city, a witness coming from the dead to testify.”

“If they can vote in Troy,” Casey told retired judge Bud Malone, back on the bench for the evening, “they can testify in Troy.”

After 90 minutes of arguments the attorneys rested, and the jurors split four to two (the four were for Livingston), prompting immediate suggestions that the event become an annual tradition.

“I didn’t rig it!” said Crary, wearing an elf hat and matching red beard, at the after-party. “I swear.”

PHOTO (From Left): Henry Livingston, Jr., and Clement Clarke Moore

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‘TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS
by Buyer S. Remorse

’Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting — even the mouse.
 
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
 
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
 
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
 
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
 
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
 
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
 
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said “U.S. POSTMAN.”
 
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
 
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
 
“Now Macy, now Best Buy, now Penny’s and Sears
Here’s Wal-Mart and Target and Nordstrom—all here!!
 
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!”
 
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
 
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
 
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT … YOU’LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!”

PHOTO: Bob McLean by Chad Coleman (Bellevue, Washington, Reporter)

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SANTA AND THE REINDEER
by Shel Silverstein

“This is the hour,” said Santa Claus,
“The bells ring merrily.”
Then on his back he slung his pack,
And into his sleigh climbed he.

“On, Dancer! On, Prancer! On, Donner and Blitzen!
On Comet and Cupid!” cried he.
And all the reindeers leaped but one,
And that one stood silently.
He had pulled the sleigh for a thousand years,
And never a word spoke he.
Now he stood in the snow, and he whispered low –
“Oh what do you have for me?”
“I have games and toys for girls and boys,”
Said Santa cheerily.
The reindeer stood as if made of wood –
“But what do you have for me?”
“The socks are hung, the bells are rung!”
Cried Santa desperately.
The reindeer winked at a falling star –
“But what do you have for me?”
Then Santa reached into his beard,
And he found a tiny flea,
And he put it into the reindeer’s ear,
And the reindeer said, “For me? Oh gee!”
And into the blue away they flew,
Away they flew with the flea.
And the moral of this yuletide tale
You know as well as me.

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Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas
by Major Henry Livingston, Jr.

’Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro’ the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar plums danc’d in their heads,
And Mama in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap —
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below;
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny rein-deer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and call’d them by name:
“Now! Dasher, now! Dancer, now! Prancer, and Vixen,
“On! Comet, on! Cupid, on! Dunder and Blixem;
“To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
“Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys — and St. Nicholas too:
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound:
He was dress’d all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnish’d with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys was flung on his back,
And he look’d like a peddler just opening his pack:
His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry,
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry;
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow.
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face, and a little round belly
That shook when he laugh’d, like a bowl full of jelly:
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laugh’d when I saw him in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And fill’d all the stockings; then turn’d with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
He sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle:
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight —
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Born in Poughkeepsie, New York, Major Henry Livingston, Jr., (1748-1828) was a member of a leading colonial family. Livingston worked as a farmer, surveyor, and justice of the peace. In 1775, he enlisted in the Revolutionary Army, just a week after the birth of his first daughter, Catherine — the subject of his first known poem. From 1787, Livingston published light verse in regional journals. His poems were often published anonymously or under the name R. Livingston. His poem “Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas” played a significant role in establishing a set of beliefs about Santa Claus, by providing a physical description, and by setting the number and names of the reindeer. Until recently, the poem was attributed to poet Clement Clark Moore (1779-1863), who included it in his collected poems in 1844. In Author Unknown: On the Trail of Anonymous (2000), scholar Don Foster gathered evidence to support Livingston as the author of the well-known poem. (Source: poetryfoundation.org.)

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PSYCHOANALYSIS: AN ELEGY (Excerpt)
by Jack Spicer 

…I would like to write a poem…
As slow as the summer seems
On a hot day drinking beer outside
Or standing in the middle of a white-hot road
Between Bakersfield and Hell*
Waiting for Santa Claus.

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Read “Psychoanalysis: An Elegy” by Jack Spicer in its entirety at poets.org.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jack Spicer (1925–1965) was a poet often identified with the San Francisco Renaissance — the name given to the emergence of writers and artists in the Bay Area at the end of WWII. In 2009, My Vocabulary Did This to Me: The Collected Poetry of Jack Spicer won the American Book Award for poetry.

ILLUSTRATION: “Desert Santa” by laylooper. Stickers available at zazzle.com.

*NOTE: Hell, California, is located in Riverside County. (Read more at wikipedia.org.)

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DECEMBER SUBSTITUTE
by Kenn Nesbitt

Our substitute is strange because
he looks a lot like Santa Claus.
In fact, the moment he walked in
we thought that he was Santa’s twin.

We wouldn’t think it quite so weird,
if it were just his snowy beard.
But also he has big black boots
and wears these fuzzy bright red suits.

He’s got a rather rounded gut
that’s like a bowl of you-know-what.
And when he laughs, it’s deep and low
and sounds a lot like “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

He asks us all if we’ve been good
and sleeping when we know we should.
He talks of reindeers, sleighs, and elves
and tells us to behave ourselves.

And when it’s time for us to go
he dashes out into the snow.
But yesterday we figured out
just what our sub is all about.

We know just why he leaves so quick,
and why he’s dressed like Old Saint Nick
in hat and coat and boots and all:
He’s working evenings at the mall.

“December Substitute.” appears in Kenn Nesbitt’s collection When the Teacher Isn’t Looking (Meadowbrook Press, 2005), available at Amazon.com.

PHOTO: Actor Donald Sutherland as a teaching Santa Claus (Worth1000.com, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED).

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Kenn Nesbitt is the author of numerous books of poetry for children, including The Armpit of Doom: Funny Poems for Kids (2013), The Ultimate Top Secret Guide to Taking Over the World (2011), The Tighty-Whitey Spider (2010), Revenge of the Lunch Ladies (2007), Santa Got Stuck in the Chimney (2006), When the Teacher Isn’t Looking: And Other Funny School Poems (2005), and The Aliens Have Landed at Our School! (2001). Nesbitt’s poems have appeared in hundreds of anthologies, magazines, and textbooks worldwide. His website, Poetry4kids, is an online “Funny Poetry Playground” that features poems, lessons, games, and poetry-related activities. He currently lives in Spokane, Washington with his wife, children, and pets. (Source: poetryfoundation.org)

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SantaLand Diaries (Excerpts)

Memoir by David Sedaris

I was in a coffee shop looking through the want ads when I read, “Macy’s Herald Square, the largest store in the world, has big opportunities for outgoing, fun-loving people of all shapes and sizes who want more than just a holiday job! Working as an elf in Macy’s SantaLand means being at the center of the excitement….”

…The woman at Macy’s asked, “Would you be interested in full-time elf or evening and weekend elf?”

I said, “Full-time elf.”

I have an appointment next Wednesday at noon.

I am a thirty-three-year-old man applying for a job as an elf…Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn’t even find work as an elf. That’s when you know you’re a failure.

This afternoon I sat in the eighth-floor SantaLand office and was told, “Congratulations, Mr. Sedaris. You are an elf.”

In order to become an elf I filled out ten pages’ worth of forms, took a multiple choice personality test, underwent two interviews, and submitted urine for a drug test. The first interview was general, designed to eliminate the obvious sociopaths. During the second interview we were asked when we wanted to be elves…

When it was my turn I explained that I wanted to be an elf because it was one of the most frightening career opportunities I had ever come across….they hired me because I am short, five feet five inches. Almost everyone they hired is short…After the second interview I was brought to the manager’s office, where I was shown a floor plan. On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf’s not to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind.

…All we sell in SantaLand are photos. People sit upon Santa’s lap and pose for a picture. The Photo Elf hands them a slip of paper with a number printed along the top. The form is filled out by another elf and the picture arrives by mail weeks later. So really, all we sell is the idea of a picture. One idea costs nine dollars, three ideas cost eighteen.

…This morning we were lectured by the SantaLand managers and presented with a Xeroxed booklet of regulations titled “The Elfin Guide.” Most of the managers are former elves who have worked their way up the candy-cane ladder but retain vivid memories of their days in uniform…

In the afternoon we were given a tour of SantaLand, which really is something. It’s beautiful, a real wonderland, with ten thousand sparkling lights, false snow, train sets, bridges, decorated trees, mechanical penguins and bears, and really tall candy canes. One enters and travels through a maze, a path which takes you from one festive environment to another. The path ends at the Magic Tree. The Tree is supposed to resemble a complex system of roots, but looks instead like a scale model of the human intestinal tract. Once you pass the Magic Tree, the light dims and an elf guides you to Santa’s house. The houses are cozy and intimate, laden with toys. You exit Santa’s house and are met with a line of cash registers.

…On any given day you can be an Entrance Elf, a Water Cooler Elf, a Bridge Elf, Train Elf, Maze Elf, Island Elf, Magic Window Elf, Emergency Exit Elf, Counter Elf, Magic Tree Elf, Pointer Elf, Santa Elf, Photo Elf, Usher Elf, Cash Register Elf, Runner Elf, or Exit Elf. We were given a demonstration of the various positions in action, performed by returning elves who were so animated and relentlessly cheerful that it embarrassed me to walk past them. I don’t know that I could look someone in the eye and exclaim, “Oh, my goodness, I think I see Santa!” or “Can you close your eyes and make a very special Christmas wish!” Everything these elves said had an exclamation point at the end of it!!! It makes one’s mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment. 

…I am afraid I won’t be able to provide the grinding enthusiasm Santa is asking for. I think I’ll be a low-key sort of an elf.

…My costume is green. I wear green velvet knickers, a yellow turtleneck, a forest-green velvet smock, and a perky stocking cap decorated with spangles. This is my work uniform.

My elf name is Crumpet. We were allowed to choose our own names and given permission to change them according to out outlook on the snowy world….

###

Excerpted from “SantaLand Diaries” in Holidays on Ice, a collection of stories by David Sedaris, available at Amazon.com.

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“Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.” P.J. O’ROURKE

ILLUSTRATION: Ian Falconer (Found in Christmas at the New Yorker: Stories, Poems, Humor, and Art with a foreword by John Updike. New copies of this delightful 2003 release — a 300+ pager — are available at Amazon.com for just 37 cents plus shipping!)

Note: This illustration by Ian Falconer made me smile. Maybe because I’d recently watched a biopic about Coco Chanel and her famous suits were top-of-mind. For the record, a photo of Coco Chanel (in a Chanel suit, of course) appears below.

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SantaLand Diaries (Excerpts)

Memoir by David Sedaris

I was in a coffee shop looking through the want ads when I read, “Macy’s Herald Square, the largest store in the world, has big opportunities for outgoing, fun-loving people of all shapes and sizes who want more than just a holiday job! Working as an elf in Macy’s SantaLand means being at the center of the excitement….”

…The woman at Macy’s asked, “Would you be interested in full-time elf or evening and weekend elf?”

I said, “Full-time elf.”

I have an appointment next Wednesday at noon.

I am a thirty-three-year-old man applying for a job as an elf…Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn’t even find work as an elf. That’s when you know you’re a failure.

This afternoon I sat in the eighth-floor SantaLand office and was told, “Congratulations, Mr. Sedaris. You are an elf.”

In order to become an elf I filled out ten pages’ worth of forms, took a multiple choice personality test, underwent two interviews, and submitted urine for a drug test. The first interview was general, designed to eliminate the obvious sociopaths. During the second interview we were asked when we wanted to be elves…

When it was my turn I explained that I wanted to be an elf because it was one of the most frightening career opportunities I had ever come across….they hired me because I am short, five feet five inches. Almost everyone they hired is short…After the second interview I was brought to the manager’s office, where I was shown a floor plan. On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf’s not to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind.

…All we sell in SantaLand are photos. People sit upon Santa’s lap and pose for a picture. The Photo Elf hands them a slip of paper with a number printed along the top. The form is filled out by another elf and the picture arrives by mail weeks later. So really, all we sell is the idea of a picture. One idea costs nine dollars, three ideas cost eighteen.

…This morning we were lectured by the SantaLand managers and presented with a Xeroxed booklet of regulations titled “The Elfin Guide.” Most of the managers are former elves who have worked their way up the candy-cane ladder but retain vivid memories of their days in uniform…

In the afternoon we were given a tour of SantaLand, which really is something. It’s beautiful, a real wonderland, with ten thousand sparkling lights, false snow, train sets, bridges, decorated trees, mechanical penguins and bears, and really tall candy canes. One enters and travels through a maze, a path which takes you from one festive environment to another. The path ends at the Magic Tree. The Tree is supposed to resemble a complex system of roots, but looks instead like a scale model of the human intestinal tract. Once you pass the Magic Tree, the light dims and an elf guides you to Santa’s house. The houses are cozy and intimate, laden with toys. You exit Santa’s house and are met with a line of cash registers.

…On any given day you can be an Entrance Elf, a Water Cooler Elf, a Bridge Elf, Train Elf, Maze Elf, Island Elf, Magic Window Elf, Emergency Exit Elf, Counter Elf, Magic Tree Elf, Pointer Elf, Santa Elf, Photo Elf, Usher Elf, Cash Register Elf, Runner Elf, or Exit Elf. We were given a demonstration of the various positions in action, performed by returning elves who were so animated and relentlessly cheerful that it embarrassed me to walk past them. I don’t know that I could look someone in the eye and exclaim, “Oh, my goodness, I think I see Santa!” or “Can you close your eyes and make a very special Christmas wish!” Everything these elves said had an exclamation point at the end of it!!! It makes one’s mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment. 

…I am afraid I won’t be able to provide the grinding enthusiasm Santa is asking for. I think I’ll be a low-key sort of an elf.

…My costume is green. I wear green velvet knickers, a yellow turtleneck, a forest-green velvet smock, and a perky stocking cap decorated with spangles. This is my work uniform.

My elf name is Crumpet. We were allowed to choose our own names and given permission to change them according to out outlook on the snowy world….

###

Excerpted from “SantaLand Diaries” in Holidays on Ice, a collection of stories by David Sedaris, available at Amazon.com.