F. Scott Fitzgerald rejection letter, New Yorker spoof

Dear F:

…Let me begin by saying that “The Great Gatsby” is not the worst novel I have ever read. It is also not the best novel I have ever read. It is, however, the first novel I have ever read. And there are, like, many, many things in the book I found confusing. Like W.T.F. was that green light? Is that supposed to give him superpowers, like the Green Lantern? Also, I really did not get this part at the end: “So we beat on, boats against the current.” So, like, everybody turns into boats? Like Transformers? If so, that was the first interesting thing that happened in the entire book, and it was in the last sentence.

For these reasons, F., I am afraid “The Great Gatsby” does not meet our needs at the present time. What would meet our needs at the present time would be a young-adult trilogy with movie potential. Right before she left for Cote d’Azur, Charlotte said to me, “Pandora, find me the next ‘Twilight’ or ‘Hunger Games.’ ” Charlotte has never forgiven herself for passing on both “Twilight” and “Hunger Games” while paying two million dollars for a book of poetry by Todd Palin. LMAO.

Now I’ve got to get back to that slush pile. The next manuscript I have to read is called “Moby-Dick.” Fingers crossed, but based on that title, I think it could be the next “Fifty Shades of Grey”!

XOXO, 
Andy Borowitz

Note: This rejection letter to F. Scott Fitzgerald appeared on the New Yorker website in an article dated October 4, 2012. Find the article at this link. Andy Borowitz wrote the piece for the Author’s Guild Centennial Benefit, June 4, 2012.

Painting: Maralyn Wilson, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

F. Scott Fitzgerald Rejection Letter, New Yorker Spoof

Dear F:

Thank you for submitting “The Great Gatsby” to our editorial director, Charlotte Pelker. Charlotte is in the South of France and will be checking e-mails, but only to see if she’s been fired. Our associate editorial director, Bob Tarp, left the company last week to head the new literary department at Groupon. So allow me to introduce myself. My name is Andy Borowitz. I am a rising sophomore at SUNY New Paltz and am the company’s unpaid summer intern. In that capacity I am in charge of the slush pile. Which brings me to you, F! LOL.

Let me begin by saying that “The Great Gatsby” is not the worst novel I have ever read. It is also not the best novel I have ever read. It is, however, the first novel I have ever read. And there are, like, many, many things in the book I found confusing. Like W.T.F. was that green light? Is that supposed to give him superpowers, like the Green Lantern? Also, I really did not get this part at the end: “So we beat on, boats against the current.” So, like, everybody turns into boats? Like Transformers? If so, that was the first interesting thing that happened in the entire book, and it was in the last sentence.

For these reasons, F., I am afraid “The Great Gatsby” does not meet our needs at the present time. What would meet our needs at the present time would be a young-adult trilogy with movie potential. Right before she left for Cote d’Azur, Charlotte said to me, “Pandora, find me the next ‘Twilight’ or ‘Hunger Games.’ ” Charlotte has never forgiven herself for passing on both “Twilight” and “Hunger Games” while paying two million dollars for a book of poetry by Todd Palin. LMAO.

Now I’ve got to get back to that slush pile. The next manuscript I have to read is called “Moby-Dick.” Fingers crossed, but based on that title, I think it could be the next “Fifty Shades of Grey”!

XOXO, 
Andy Borowitz

Note: This rejection letter to F. Scott Fitzgerald appeared on the New Yorker website in an article dated October 4, 2012. Find the article at this link. Andy Borowitz wrote the piece for the Author’s Guild Centennial Benefit, June 4, 2012.

Painting: Maralyn Wilson, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Homer’s Rejection Letter, New Yorker Spoof

Dear Mr. Homer,

Thank you for coming into the office last week and performing your epic poem. Unfortunately, we do not buy books based on pitches. We think your story is very interes—no, actually we don’t. While your saga is not right for us, we do think that if you trimmed it by thirteen hours and sixteen minutes, it might make a wonderful Moth monologue. With a few changes. To begin with, your poem is set in Greece, which, as you know, is kind of a downer right now. Could you move it to Qatar? Oh. Wait. I just remembered that Showtime is doing an adaptation of Angela’s Ashes that takes place in the Mideast. “Angela’s Oil, Oy Vey.” Which reminds me, a number of us in the office felt that your central character, Odysseus, was a deadbeat dad. Did you intend this? Or is that one of those things that happens when you don’t write things down? Some of us also had problems with the similes in the poem, whereas others didn’t care for the metaphors. It might comfort you to know, however, that most of us don’t know the difference. On the other hand, we all agreed the monsters were unlikeable. Another thing you may not have realized: the character is named Odysseus and the book is the Odyssey. See the confusion? Why not call the book “Eat, Slay, Love,” or “How to Travel Around Some of the World on Five Dollars a Day and Still Lose Weight”?

Thank you again for thinking of us. Please send us anything else you may be working on—except that dated war-horse thing.

Sincerely yours,

Patricia Marx
Editor

P.S. Someone in the office wants to know if you’re related to Homer Simpson?

P.P.S. Our marketing department loves that you’re blind. You might also want to develop leprosy.

Note: This rejection letter to Homer appeared on the New Yorker website in an article dated October 4, 2012. Find the article at this link. Patricia Marx wrote the piece for the Author’s Guild Centennial Benefit, June 4, 2012.

Painting: “Homer” by Janaka Stagaro.