
GOIN’ POSTAL IN BASTROP, TEXAS
by LaVonne Roberts
driving out of my neighborhood, tahitian village,
past the convenience store selling lotto dreams and pork rinds,
i smile.
where else would a gravel road development have the courage to use unpronounceable hawaiian street names
in a town where the first national bank’s sign is soldered on to a bbq pit?
i wonder.
i live in a town where my currency is apple butter and cherry pie.
driving to goin’ postal to ship my ebay sales where jim, the owner, is covering for gary, who’s at home with a pinched nerve after accidentally taking his wife’s menopause pills.
i chuckle.
i ease off the gas, fearful for the tiny bernardaud limoges plates sold. jim will shake his head and say, “i just don’t get it. folks are crazy.” and,
i agree.
I live in a town where the success of a business can be measured in the size of their bbq pit.
i could share that my little plates came from versailles, but i won’t. down a villa in the south of france, but up on ebay. hmm…
i reflect.
i am the town’s citified divorcee selling off her useless luxury goods. years of regrets have been replaced with self-deprecating, straight from the gut laughter.
i think…
I live in a town where the sheriff’s in prison after building the largest bbq pit with prison labor and taxpayers’ money.
i’ve woven a story of sorts, delivering daily installments with my drop offs, like a full-length chinchilla trimmed sheared mink coat or crystal embellished lime green copacabana pants from a gay soiree. whoops.
i cringe.
my strip center schizophrenic mexican cantina of exploding primary colors, garish murals, paper flowers, sombreros and rich smells of chilies, cilantro, tequila and lime, with deep dark red Ming Dynasty arches and trim, the Buddha statue and smell of ginger still imagined is my hideout.
i am hungry.
i share that epsom salts and a tiger balm patch helped my psychosomatic pinched nerve.
i wince.
i live in a town where an affagato frapuccinio delivered to a bmw out of a window designed for a ford 350 is an event not an order.
i share that i am leasing to our toyota dealer and jim whispers, “they’re catholic; they make new orleans gumbo.”
i pretend to understand the correlation of sin city’s cuisine and a foreigner – a catholic.
i see.
jim asks if i watch the gilmore girls for the 5th time and i respond –
we are the gilmore girls for the 4th time.
i know.
i live in a town where a church sits beside “miss behavin’ bail bonds – ain’t no use takin’ a spankin’”
i talk about my canadian-obsessed daughter on full scholarship in victoria, bc who’s graduating high school early.
i say – yes, canada.
i leave out that my eBay inventory is in our town attorney’s sawdust floor garage or that i’m living in his cottage out back. locals think people downtown have too much, and hey, gotta keep that postage down.
i imagine.
i live in a town where the gas pump is always on, and my neighbors loan me their truck.
i share that i considered facing big hair, red nails and one too many cocktails, to stay with my sister-in-law, whose name is a spice
that sounds like a stripper.
i laugh, yes cinnamon, i say.
i think about my grocery list for whole foods, and a trip to my club in austin, where no one knows that i’ve left. i drive 40 miles, because it makes me happy to visit that life and come home.
i smile again – yes, i do.
i live in a town, rich in main street stories, selling salvation on the mega church’s bumper sticker, where tequila runs like holy water.
i wonder, i worry, i hope, but mostly,
in and out,
i breathe.
i live in a town where we have a chicken sanctuary street, where the chickens have the right of way. Seriously – yes.
i miss my children, but i don’t miss the fear.
i miss high-rise manhattan life, soundproof windows looking out on a world i can’t hear, but i don’t miss the screaming
i miss sunday night dinners, children bickering, being a family, but i don’t miss the lies.
i miss my turkish harman, cocktail decided trips to unknown places, sunsets overlooking the mediterranean, the freedom to choose, but i don’t miss the prison.
i miss paris, a life without lines, an assistant who knew me better than me, a black card, and i miss never hearing no, but i don’t miss the noose.
Hell, I miss it all, but I don’t miss “that” me
Going’ Postal – that’s ME
PHOTOGRAPH: “Main Street, Bastrop, Texas” by Nv8200p

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: LaVonne Roberts is a social entrepreneur best known for her role in the formation of XOOM, where she was a founding shareholder. After participating in multiple public and private financing totaling almost $400M pre-IPO, XOOM merged with GE’s NBC Internet assets, resulting in the formation of NBC Internet, the first global integrated media company. Today LaVonne uses her design, technology, and entrepreneurial skills where she is most passionate, helping at-risk youth, especially supporting the population of youth in foster care aging out without family. After a very glamorous, but suffocating shallow life, Ms. Roberts decided to find her voice in a lifelong passion – writing. She is known for her home-canned tomatoes, her ability to throw a Moroccan dinner party for 20 — complete with pomegranate martinis and frozen lemon-mint soufflés, and her ability to send you home with a joint venture. She is most passionate about being a mom to her two incredible children, writing essays and a memoir and helping orphans who have aged out of foster care find their voices through higher education.