World’s Giantest
by Scott Redmond

I like to wear the tiny sombrero that comes with a bottle of tequila,
And pretend to be the world’s giantest Mexican.

“Look at me,”I bellow
As giants cannot speak normally, they can only bellow,
“I am the world’s giantest Mexican.
You can tell that because this sombrero looks so small on me, and
Sombreros, we all know, are the world’s giantest hats.
As such, to make such a large hat look so tiny, I must be a giant.
Why, just think how tiny a bowler hat would become, were I to wear
     such a thing
And become the world’s giantest Englishman.”

I know what you may be thinking,
“That man looks to be normal-sized, but wearing a noticeably
     small sombrero.”
However, that is merely because you are all standing a very long way
     away from me
And I am so tall that even stood on the horizon I still seem to be an
     averagely sized man.
That is how perspective works, my tiny friends, or are our eyes too small
     to have developed depth perception?

“As the world’s giantest Mexican, I have my enemies, do not think that
     I do not.
One such fiend once tried to build a wall to keep me out
But I merely stepped over it,
That’s how tall I am.”

Soon, however, the doorbell rings
And I must remove my hat, tiny though it may be,
And return to the world of the average.
How is the weather down here?

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: As I do not drink myself, a friend of mine, while drinking a bottle of tequila straight, thought I needed something to “keep me occupied” so gave me the tiny sombrero lid to the bottle. I proceeded to act essentially as the poem describes.


ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Scott “The Redman” Redmond is a comedian, poet, and writer who has performed up and down the Scottish scenes and is renowned for the things for which he is renowned. His greatest achievement, in his own eyes, is his ability to write needlessly vague bios.